Dating Advice Archives - Elegant Introductions

New Year’s Resolutions for those looking for love in 2018

Resolutions. At this time, just about everyone’s making them. If you’re deciding on your goals in 2018, and putting “finding a soulmate” high on your list, congratulations. You’ve already taken an important first step. That’s because, despite the still-popular believe that “love happens when you’re not looking for it,” we know this doesn’t happen very often. You have a much better chance of finding love if you do make a conscious effort to look for it. So, if you’re making this a resolution, it shows that you’re starting to think about what it takes to find love. That’s terrific. But now comes the hard part – making that resolution stick. It’s no secret that most resolutions made on Jan. 1 are history by Feb. 1. But if you’re serious, there are steps you can take to keep this – and other – resolutions going. So, if you’re making resolutions anyway, here are some more that we, as elite matchmakers, suggest you add to your list if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship this year. I resolve to think of my resolutions as a way of life. The best way to keep your resolutions is not to think of them as resolutions. It sounds ironic, but it’s true. Doctors and psychologists often say this about dieting, and with good reason. Real change involves a deep commitment to change, but somehow, telling yourself that you want to make new behaviors a part of your life is a lot less than saying, “I need to make drastic changes.” By saying that this is “a part of my life” you wind up having a clearer and more realistic view of the “big picture.” Which leads us to: I resolve to remember that big steps start with little steps. Thinking “big picture” is important, but that’s only to proverbial “tip of the iceberg.” Let’s just assume that you’d love to fall in love this year. That’s terrific. But now you must think of the little steps that lead to love. Maybe you’ve given up on dating. You could make a resolution try dating again. Or maybe just to try to meet more singles this year. Let’s face it: before you fall in love, you must meet someone first! You have to think about how you are going to do that. When you look at it that way, you realize that these little steps are pretty big. I resolve to keep my expectations realistic. Okay, you’ve made the effort to meet more singles. You say to yourself, “Today’s the day! I’m going to meet my soulmate!” But here’s the thing: It probably won’t happen just like that. You could go on a date, but feel no sparks. You could go to a singles event, and not meet anyone interesting. You could meet someone – only to find out that they’re not interested in you. The point is, you need to be realistic about this journey. It’s probably going to take some time. So, when you do go out, be hopeful and realistic. This will help you to keep going and avoid setbacks. I resolve to possess all the traits in myself that I want in a partner. This goes along with being realistic, but it involves a little more soul-searching. The bottom line is, sparks must fly on both ends for love to bloom. Chances are, the match you’re interested in is looking for similar qualities in you. There’s an old saying, “Be like the person you want to marry.” The more you realize that, the better your chances are for success. Now, we know that even you could be thinking, “I’m still not sure how to do all this.” This brings us to: I resolve to call Elegant Introductions. Pardon the not-so-subtle plug, but matchmaking is not just our business – it’s our passion. We love matching successful singles, and we’ll help you every step of the way. We’ve already guided many singles, and you can read what they have to say here. You can also contact us at 305-615-1900 or get started right here online. We’d love to meet you and guide you on your road to romance in 2018.

Why instant gratification and relationships don’t go together.

As matchmakers and relationship coaches, we hear horror stories almost daily from our clients who are frustrated with today’s dating apps and online services. There are many reasons for this – and they are all valid. You don’t really know who you’re communicating with. You don’t understand the online “lingo.” Their match’s profile photo was 20 years old. These are just a few of the complaints. But there’s another reason why so many singles are unsuccessful with the dating apps – and to us, it’s the most important reason of all. These modern dating platforms are all about instant gratification. And while you can certainly view this as, well, gratifying, instant gratification actually hinders relationships. At its worst, instant gratification can even stop potentially wonderful relationships from blossoming in the first place. You might ask, how can this be in our wonderfully modern world? Isn’t it terrific that we don’t have to go to the bank for cash anymore, and that we don’t have to get up from our comfy sofa to change the television channel? These conveniences certainly are a big plus. But a relationship is not a convenience. It’s a commitment. While most successful relationships are gratifying, they are hardly ever instant. It takes much more than the touch of a button, or the swipe of a smartphone screen, for true love to occur. Think about it. When you are using these apps, you are almost completely at the mercy of physical attractiveness. Sure, you can fill out profiles to tell potential matches about yourself, but be honest. Do you even read those before you make your “decision”? Probably not. This is why many people don’t even bother creating informative profiles. It’s all about outer attraction, and nothing about inner attraction. No doubt, mutual physical attraction is important in relationships. But it’s far from the only factor, and it should never be Number One. Looks eventually fade – even for the most attractive people. If you’ve picked your partner mostly for their beauty, what do you have when they’re not as attractive anymore? The dating apps do not take this into account. The big problem with instant gratification is, you start believing that the “perfect match” will appear right on your screen and that true happiness is just a click away. It’s a nice fantasy, but in the real world, it’s not very likely. Even worse, instant gratification can be a problem even if you do get into a relationship. Ask online shopping addicts who don’t consult their partners before major purchases, and you’re sure to hear about strains in their relationship. Ask a serial texter about the last time he had a serious face to face conversation with his partner when a problem came up. Chances are, he’ll wonder why there’s “no communication anymore.” There was a time, not long ago, when you had no other choice but to talk to your partner about important things. Now, you can text. Now, you don’t even have to say, “I love you.” You can send a heart emoji – and think that’s the same thing. It isn’t. Lasting relationships require constant communication. And by that, we mean actual communication. When we meet with clients, we ask them to keep instant gratification to a minimum. And we ask them to forget about the dating apps. (Most of them are fine with this, since they don’t like the apps to begin with.) Instead, we take our time with our clients, and we really get to know them. We consider their relationship history, their values, and their future hopes. We ask them to look deep inside themselves – and to enjoy the journey. Then, and only then, do we set them up with potential matches. This rarely happens “in an instant.” It can take some time – and this is a good thing, because healthy relationships require patience. They also require a deep appreciation for a person’s inner beauty, and the willingness to make time for your significant other. Quite simply, relationships need time and effort to grow and flourish. Save the instant gratification for fun and entertainment. Serious love takes serious commitment.

Prince Harry found love – and you can, too!

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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle stroll hand-in-hand. (Photo by Splash News)[/caption] When it comes to relationships, everyone has their challenges. Even Prince Harry. He could well be the world’s most eligible bachelor. After all, he’s royalty, he’s wealthy, he’s charming in ways that remind many of his mother, Princess Diana, and he’s very easy on the eyes. You might think, “how tough could it be for him to find love.” I would guess that it’s tougher than any of us realize. He’s dated a lot of women, but he has yet to take a bride. That could be about to change, though. He recently went public about his relationship with Meghan Markle, the actress best known for her role on the television series Suits. At last week’s Invictus Games in Toronto (a sporting event for wounded, injured or sick armed services personnel and their associated veterans), the Prince and his new leading lady were everywhere, smiling, holding hands, and even kissing. There are already rumors that they’re secretly engaged. As a professional matchmaker, what strikes me most about these two is how different Meghan is from the type woman many would expect Harry to fall for. She’s an American – a “commoner” in the world of the Royal Family. If Meghan and Harry do get married, Meghan would be the first American to marry into the Royal Family since Wallis Simpson famously wed King Edward VIII more than 80 years ago. Edward gave up the throne so he could marry Wallis – making for one of the all-time great love stories. While Harry will probably never be King (he’s got four other family members ahead of him in line, and of course, the Queen is still going strong), I’m sure he envisioned marrying a British woman – probably one with royal blood of her own. Instead, he’s with Meghan, a proud native Californian who loves yoga, the beach, and avocados. This, to me, is a sign that Prince Harry looked beyond what was expected of him, and focused on what was right for him. I talk to many clients who have trouble deviating from the vision of the ideal partner etched in their minds. I often tell them to “adjust their lenses” and be open to potential partners who don’t necessarily fit their pre-conceived expectations. Obviously, Prince Harry doesn’t mind that Meghan is not British. He adjusted his own lens, and now he’s found love as a result. [caption id="attachment_4423" align="alignleft" width="300"]

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle at the Invictus Games. Harry created the games to help ill and injured veterans. Harry and Meghan both share a commitment to philanthropy.[/caption] There are other things that strike me as very positive about Meghan and Harry. No doubt, they look like a dream couple. Yet they both go much deeper. According to a wonderful article in this month’s Vanity Fair, one of the strongest bonds they share is their dedication to philanthropy. They are both, in their own ways, committed to making this world a better place. I’m not surprised at all that this is one of the “sparks” that drew them together. Most people I know who have found love also happen to be very generous. They look outside themselves and realize how fortunate they already are. Meghan and Harry have also been careful about revealing their relationship. They dated quietly for six months before anyone outside their closest confidants knew about it. I’m sure their very public lives factored into this. It must be hard to date when the world is watching! But this careful approach also benefits singles in general. We’ve all seen those movies where the girl meets the guy, and right away, she screams everlasting love from the rooftops. This makes for an entertaining film, but it rarely works in the real world. Why? Because everyone has opinions. And even if they’re well-meaning, they can often get in the way of a budding relationship. It’s almost always better to go on serval dates, and really get to know one another before “going public” as a couple. So, even if Prince Harry will soon be “off the market,” fear not. His road to love is a positive lesson for singles. There are also many princes still out there, even if they don’t have royal titles. You just have to stay positive and keep an open mind about finding them. Love, Dr. Nancy

After Hurricane Irma, we remember what’s important

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South Florida has been battered by Hurricane Irma, but we will recover, and our community spirit has never been stronger.[/caption] As we write this, we know that South Florida is recovering from Hurricane Irma. We sincerely hope that all of you – our dear friends – are all okay, and that your homes, apartments, and offices are up and running again. Even though we’re dealing with lots of downed trees and power outages, it looks like we “dodged a bullet.” As scary as the storm was, it could have been a lot worse. We are certainly grateful that our community did not take a direct hit, and though nobody wishes for hurricanes, it sometimes takes disasters to remind us of the value of being grateful. In times like these, when we think about what we could have lost, we are even more appreciative of what we have – like our health, our families, and our friends. In our normal lives, it’s surprisingly easy to take our blessings for granted. When we work with singles, we always stress the many advantages they already have, even if they have yet to find their soulmate. The more we make gratitude a key part of our lives today, the more open we can be moving forward. One of the things we are grateful for is that we get to call South Florida home. We’ve both lived here for a long time now, and we’ve always been proud to serve this community. We’re already encouraged by all the ways – both large and small – that people are reaching out to one another, and helping those in the greatest need. Yes, we have been battered by Hurricane Irma, but our community spirit has never been stronger. Together, we will show the world that our generosity shines as bright as the Florida sun. Love, Barbara and Nancy

Yes, blind dates can work out very well. Just ask our clients!

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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle met on a blind date, and now they are engaged![/caption] Does the idea of a blind date make you shudder? If you answer yes, you are hardly alone. This is understandable in some ways. In most movies or television shows, the blind date often goes horribly wrong. Or maybe you’ve had some experiences where well-intentioned people tried to set you up, and it just didn’t work out. As elite matchmakers, we believe blind dates have received a bad rap – and we are out to change your perception of them. When you meet with us at Elegant Introductions, we do many things for you. We get to know you very well, we get a sense of what you are looking for, and we do our very best to match you with compatible partners. We also thoroughly vet all our clients, so you can be sure your matches really are who they say they are. However, one thing we do not do is show you pictures of your potential matches. Nor do we allow you to contact them ahead of time. The singles we meet often resist this at first. Especially now, in the age of Tinder, OkCupid and so many other sites, they are used to seeing a photo first. But here’s where we go back to the idea of blind dates, and their many advantages. In the best of circumstances, blind dates are set up by people who really know you well, and believe they have a match for you. Did you know that this is exactly how Prince Harry and Meghan Markle met? It’s true! They were set up by friends who knew that they had similar interests --- and they were right on target. Now, as most of the world knows, Meghan and Harry are engaged! [caption id="attachment_4552" align="alignright" width="227"]

We set our clients, Carol and Blake, up on a blind date because we knew they shared similar values and interests. They clicked instantly, and now they are happily married.[/caption] The best blind dates are based not on photos, but on the intuition of people who really know what makes you tick. This is exactly what we do at Elegant Introductions. We understand your values, your interests, and your hopes for the future. Then, we look through our extensive private data base to select potential matches. You won’t know what your potential date looks like right away, but you will know things far more important, like what you have in common, shared values and what his/her relationship goals are. These are topics that inspire conversation, and when you think about it, the best first dates are almost always about conversation. When you spend a first date talking about things that really matter to both of you, odds are very good that there will be a second date – and many more after that. We know that blind dates work because we have a 90 percent success rate. We love matching clients like Carol and Blake. We arranged a blind date for them because we knew they had many things in common. They clicked instantly – and now they are married. We were so joyous and proud when Carol recently wrote to us and said, “Thank you for introducing me to the man of my dreams. You and your agency go above and beyond. I have you to thank for matching me with my soul mate!

You can read many more enthusiastic testimonials on our website. If you are single and searching for your soulmate, give us a call at 305-615-1900, or click here to get started. Once we get to know you, we'll change your mind about blind dates -- and get you going on the road to your own royal romance!

How to avoid dating insanity.

You’ve probably heard this modern-day definition of insanity – doing the same things over and over, yet somehow expecting different results. Many singles have this same mindset when it comes to dating. The good news is that you can change this way of thinking. It’s certainly true that the older we get, the more set in our ways we get. In the right context, these patterns and habits are very positive. They help us define our values, our desires, and our priorities. But if we rely on them too much, there’s a danger in becoming rigid. You become so set in your life and your ways that, when you do start dating, it can become difficult to have a healthy, communicative relationship with your partner. This is especially true if you’ve recently been through a divorce or a break-up. It’s easy to say it was the other person’s fault. In most cases, though, it was a shared responsibility. If it takes two to make a relationship, it also takes two to break a relationship. The best way to avoid dating insanity – using the same patterns on different people – is to take the time to look inside yourself to find out what worked (and what didn’t) in your recent relationship. How do you do that? Well, if you’ll pardon the shameless promo here, you can contact us at Elegant Introductions. We are dating and relationship experts, and one of our major advantages is that, before we even set you up on a date, we really get to know you. This includes going over past relationships. We can help you discover things you might be doing that – even if they felt right at the time – could be blind spots or stumbling blocks to securing a new, happy and sustainable relationship. Maybe you’ve been too trusting. Or too demanding. Or too over-protective. You get the picture. This is not about making you feel bad about yourself; it’s about taking a good look at yourself, and focusing on how you can do better the next time. We all have imperfections – and we all bring them with us when we enter relationships. Too often, it’s the failure to address them that drives a couple apart. To change your patterns, you must be willing to look deep inside yourself and be open to new ways of thinking. Change isn’t easy, especially as we get older. But it is so worth the effort. Positive change brings about a renewed sense of self-confidence, and when you start dating again, this is something that future partners will notice and appreciate. By saying good-bye to old, destructive relationship patterns, you say hello to self-discovery, self-love, and new romantic possibilities. This is how healthy relationships start – and how they last.

There are few things in life that are as exciting, or as nerve-wracking, as dating – especially when you’re just getting to know someone. So many things go through your mind: Will he find me attractive? Will she think I’m interesting? Can I get through the date without spilling something? All these come into play – as well they should. As matchmakers, we have the privilege of hearing about many first dates from our clients. One of the things we’ve learned is that it’s sometimes easy to take dating for granted. This causes some people to do things they would never do on, say, a job interview. So, in our hopes of making you a little less nervous on your next date, here are our 5 tips for basic dating etiquette. They’re gleaned from what our clients tell us, so we speak from experience.

Be on time. – This shows that you’re organized and considerate of other people’s time. On the other hand, very few things can sour a first impression more than being late. Do you like waiting for people with no explanation? Neither does your date. At the very least, call or text with a heads-up if you know you’re running behind – and even then, you should have a solid estimate of when you’ll get there. Nowadays, with so many ways of easy communication, there’s no excuse for not doing this. And speaking of easy communication…
Keep your phone off. – When you’re on a date, focus on your date; not on your work emails, or your calendar, or a jillion other things that easily distract you. Sure, you’re successful and important, and people depend on you. But guess what? Unless you’re a brain surgeon on call for emergencies, chances are your messages can wait.
Talk less, listen more. – Remember, when you’re on a date, you’re very much on a fact-finding mission – and if you talk a lot, you’re not finding anything out about your date. Granted, some people are naturally outgoing, while others are shy. This is where questions become a trusted tool for success. Ask questions, look him in the eye, and listen. This gives him the respect he deserves – and it gives you the information you deserve as you determine whether you are right for one another.
Treat the wait staff with respect. – How you treat wait staff says a lot about your attitude and values. Of course, if the service is bad or they bring the wrong food, you should speak up. But even here, it’s best to be firm and calm. No yelling or name-calling. Show your date that you’re kind, you have a big heart, and that you can handle slip-ups with class.
Go with a positive attitude – and just have fun! It’s a date – not a commitment. You hope it goes well, but even if it doesn’t, what is it but just a few hours out of your life? If you see a boring movie, that, too, is time you won’t get back. But does that mean the date was boring? Of course not! It’s the same with dating. If you have the right frame of mind, you’ll discover that all dates have advantages. If you already feel it’s not a good fit, you may be surprised at other connections or positive outcomes you may have with this person. At the very least, you will meet someone unique and special just like you. Just kick back and enjoy.

With these tips, you drastically improve your chances of a positive date. That’s good, because you’ll continue using them in a new relationship. After all, if you’re positive, calm, thoughtful, respectful, and a good listener, those qualities will certainly help you when you engage in a new relationship.

The dos and don’ts of dating “out of your league”

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Sometimes, dating "out of your league" can actually work. Just ask Meghan Markle, who is dating Prince Harry.[/caption] How many times have you spotted someone you’d like to date, only to have that little voice inside your head tell you she’s/he’s “out of your league”? Should you ignore that voice – or listen to it? The answer depends on a variety of circumstances. As elite matchmakers, we only accept clients who we believe we can match. As we always say, we stress quality over quantity. Yet even catches can have unrealistic expectations. Much of this is cultural. Society tells us that “marrying up” – or deliberately searching for someone wealthier, more successful, or better looking than we are -- is the way to go. Who among us didn’t cheer for Cinderella when the Prince placed that glass slipper on her foot? Or commiserate with Snow White when she sang that someday, her prince would come? Unfortunately, there’s an enormous difference between fairy tales and the real world. When it comes to dating, I always encourage clients to be hopeful and realistic. A man with model-like looks probably isn’t going to be interested in you unless you also look like a model. A wealthy, successful woman probably isn’t going to put you on her radar unless you come close to where she is in life. But then again, the key word here is “probably.” Because there are those rare – and I do mean RARE – cases where going out of your league proves successful. A few weeks ago, we wrote about Prince Harry and his romance with actress Meghan Markle. Some would say that Meghan is out of Harry’s league. She is certainly beautiful, but she’s not royalty. And she’s a working actress, but she doesn’t exactly have Meryl Streep’s name recognition. (Not yet, anyway.) The key here is that Harry and Meghan both have attitudes and beliefs that could very well transcend the usual norms of wealth, class, and success, and ultimately lead to a trip down the aisle. Harry has the ability to be very open-minded about the type of woman he dates. And even before she met Harry, Meghan possessed a keen sense of who she is. She quite rightly believes that Harry is as lucky to have her as she is to have him. Too often, it’s a deep-rooted lack of self-esteem that makes people yearn for dating someone out of their league. They don’t like who they are, or where they are, and they’re hoping for someone to “rescue” them. The trouble is, there are very few people who want to do that. Even if they are willing, that’s not necessarily a good thing, because these types often demand someone that they can over-power. This is not anyone’s idea of an equal relationship. So, while I don’t normally recommend dating out of your league, I would say it’s okay if – and only if – you know yourself well enough to overcome any obstacles. It’s sort of like playing the lottery. There are people in this world who know full well that their chances of winning are slim, yet they still throw in a few bucks just because they know that there’s a chance (albeit a slim one) that they’ll hit the jackpot. When they don’t, they shrug it off, maybe joke a little (“Well, I guess they will see me in the office Monday morning after all.”) and let life go on as normal. This is exactly the type of person you must be to date out of your league. If you’re really hoping to find lasting love, there’s something to be said for dating within your league. It shows that you know yourself well, and have realistic expectations. After all, love has nothing to do with wealth, looks, or even success. It’s about two people who support one another, understand one another, and stick with each other through thick and thin. It’s about being with someone who feels like a comfortable pair of shoes, someone you can trust and be your true self. This holds true, no matter what league you’re in. Love, Dr. Nancy

5 simple tips for relieving stress on a date

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If you love the outdoors, a picnic date could be less stressful than a more traditinoal date.[/caption] Stress – that’s a subject that most of us can relate to big time. It seems like we’re all stressed to some extent, but that doesn’t make it easier when you must deal with it. When it comes to dating, many our clients say that they feel stressed. This is understandable. It’s natural to be nervous when you meet someone you don’t know very well. Add to that the possibility that this person might become your future soulmate, and you can see where nerves have a field day. But the key is to keep those natural nerves from festering. This is what breeds stress. The good news is that there are some simple tips to keep those nerves in check.

Location, location, location. Believe it or not, the site of your date plays a lot into your comfort factor. For some, the finest or newest or hottest restaurant in town is perfect for a first date. But for others, there’s the feeling that this atmosphere creates a lot of expectations. If this is you, remember there are many other options. Many first dates now happen over coffee at Starbucks. There’s something about a coffee house that makes it a more relaxed atmosphere. If you’re both love the outdoors, a picnic in the park can make a terrific first date. Make sure you decide on a place that makes you both feel comfortable.
Time matters, too. Just like the location of your date, the time of day also plays a factor in your comfort level. Traditionally, dates occur in the evening, but again, there are those who believe that night dates carry too many expectations. That’s why lunch dates are becoming more and more popular. They’re usually shorter, and if you say that you must get back to the office, it usually means that you really do have to get back to the office. If you and your date find that you’re connecting with one another, you can always plan for a longer date for next time.
Remember to breathe. Before you say, “Of course I will breathe,” let me explain a little further. Sure, everyone breathes. But as far as relaxation goes, most people do not breathe correctly. We take short breaths, and we rarely even think about them. To relax, you need to take deep breaths, hold them for about a second or two, then release slowly. (There are many other deep breathing techniques, but this is one of the easiest ways to de-stress quickly.) If you don’t feel comfortable doing this in public, take a minute to go to the bathroom and breathe there. When you do this, you are literally giving your brain a message to calm down. Your brain then dutifully spreads that message throughout your body. Your heart rate slows down. Your blood pressure is reduced. Very quickly, you are much more relaxed, and ready to show your date how terrific you are.
Don’t fear imperfections. Does this sound familiar? You’re out with a great date. You’re really clicking – and then you spill a little wine on your lap. You want to crawl under the table, right? Don’t even think about that. It’s much better to acknowledge this little slip up. You can crack a little joke about it (“Oh well, at least I’m giving my dry cleaners some new business.”) Or you can simply say, “I’m sorry. I’m just a little nervous.” Often, this endears you to your date. After all, nobody’s perfect, and you’re showing her that when unexpected things happen, you know how to handle them.
Exit plans are your friends. Of course, you hope the date goes well. But on dates, as in life, a little planning never hurts. A common one is to have a friend call you during the date. If the date’s going well, you won’t even answer the call. But if there’s no connection with your date at all, well then, my goodness, you’ve suddenly got an emergency to deal with. Of course, if you have the wherewithal to tell the guy that this just isn’t going well, then more power to you. But whatever your exit strategy is, it helps to have one.

Above all, remember that a date is just that. A date. It’s nowhere near a commitment. Once you realize this, it frees you up to be more like yourself. It is one more experience that will only help you as you continue your journey to find your soulmate. She is out there. You may just have to calm your nerves to find her.

Rip up your soulmate list and zip open your heart!

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When you're dating, let your heart guide you in finding your soulmate.[/caption]

When it comes to dating and finding your soulmate, you probably have a list of what you’d consider perfection. There’s nothing wrong with this. Just about everyone has visions of that “perfect 10.”

At their best, these lists tell you a lot about yourself and your desires. But at their worst, they can be very limiting. Yes, when it comes to dating, knowing what you want CAN be too much of a good thing. I’ve spoken to many clients who automatically cast someone off if they are not a 100 percent match. Not surprisingly, they are the ones who have the hardest time finding that special someone. Because their wish list is so rigid, very few people can pass. And even then, that someone must feel just as strongly about them. It’s easy to see why the odds of finding lasting love are stacked against them. That’s why I often tell clients to rip up their lists. That’s right – toss them aside. It’s a bit of tough love, but tough love can be a very good thing. It forces you to open yourself to new discoveries and possibilities. With that in mind, here are some good reasons to rip up those lists when you're dating:

You begin to understand yourself. Nobody's perfect -- including you. Being less rigid leads to being much more realistic about yourself and the world around you.
You discover the difference between wants and needs. Sure, you’d like a “perfect 10.” Who wouldn’t. But do you really need a perfect 10? What about shared values? Or feeling as comfortable with your partner as you do with your favorite pair of slippers? Or the joy of considering your partner your best friend? While physical attraction is important, don’t be so blinded by it that you lose sight of these much more important things.
You realize that your wants and needs change with age and experience. Hopefully, what you look for in your 20s changes as you age. Maturity allows you to look at life with a new set of lenses – and you’re much more likely to do that by ripping up your list.
You learn to be more open. Picture this. You’re on a date and you’re really clicking with this new person – except you don’t like their hair. Remember, they can change their hairstyle. Or maybe you think they could lose a few pounds. That can happen, too. The point is, these are trivial things. And if you let them get in the way of becoming more serious with this person, you could very well be losing out on the love of your life. When you do away with your list, you soften your eyes and look through your heart. That’s what we mean when we say, “I love you with all my heart."

Isn’t that what you really want? When you open your heart, it’s much easier to have a positive attitude when you’re on a date. People respond to how they feel when they're in your company, so you’re much more likely to make a positive connection when you have a positive attitude. So many couples tell me that their partner was not what they had in mind from the start. Yet, they put aside their list and opened themselves to someone a little different. That’s often the way the heart works. And listening to your heart is almost always a good bet on the road to love. Love, Dr. Nancy